- 2012elections - 9/11 Special Coverage - aca - africanamericanalzheimers - aids - Alabama News Network - american - Awards & Expo - bees - bilingual - border - californiaeducation - Caribbean - cir - citizenship - climatechange - collgeinmiami - community - democrats - ecotourism - Elders - Election 2012 - elections2012 - escuelas - Ethnic Media in the News - Ethnicities - Events - Eye on Egypt - Fellowships - food - Foreclosures - Growing Up Poor in the Bay Area - Health Care Reform - healthyhungerfreekids - howtodie - humiliating - immigrants - Inside the Shadow Economy - kimjongun - Latin America - Law & Justice - Living - Media - memphismediaroundtable - Multimedia - NAM en Espaol - Politics & Governance - Religion - Richmond Pulse - Science & Technology - Sports - The Movement to Expand Health Care Access - Video - Voter Suppression - War & Conflict - 攔截盤查政策 - Top Stories - Immigration - Health - Economy - Education - Environment - Ethnic Media Headlines - International Affairs - NAM en Español - Occupy Protests - Youth Culture - Collaborative Reporting

Domestic Abuse Against Men — It Happens

Minnesota Spokesman-Recorder, Commentary, Dwight Hobbes Posted: Dec 30, 2008

Domestic abuse against men — yes, it happens. You’re going to have a hard time finding statistics, because reluctant as many women are to report abusive husbands or boyfriends to the authorities out of fear of his retaliation or because they’ve been conditioned to accept the abuse, men are even less likely to pick up the phone, dial 911 and say their wife or girlfriend just went upside their head or threw a pot at them.

If a man has a hot-headed, heavy-handed woman to deal with, there are reasons he doesn’t say or do anything about it except hope she doesn’t wind up maiming or killing him. For one, it’s embarrassing to have it look like she can whoop his butt. For another, in certain states, all she has to do is claim she was defending herself and that she is in fear of him when the cops show up. Whether it’s true or not, he promptly finds himself treated to a free ride downtown where he’s accorded an insider’s view of the county jail — from the wrong side of the bars.

Now, if he happens to be gay and his husband or boyfriend has been roughing him up, he can’t possibly know how the cop who shows up feels about homosexuality.

For all he knows, the cop may drag them both off in handcuffs, abuser and victim alike.

There is also the kind of abuse you can’t report to police, because it’s not illegal. Just as women are made to endure mental and emotional torture, there are men who put up with being treated like a doormat. She may constantly make snide, demeaning comments for no good reason.

She may spitefully manipulate his feelings — for instance, the woman who, if they’re having a party, flirts all night with the fellas and pretends he’s a lamppost; yet if he even notices another woman, he’ll catch hell for it all night after the guests have gone. Odds are alcohol is involved. She probably drinks. He might drink, too, but you can bet she does and that even when she’s sober, she takes her own self-loathing out on him.

Why do men put with it? The exact same reason abused women do: low self-esteem. He can be thinking she’s so desirable, it’d just kill him if she was in somebody else’s arms. He can be thinking, “If I walk out of this relationship, I may never find another one.” Abused people never think, “Are you kidding? I have to be out of my mind to sit still for being treated like this. I’m mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. See ya.”

If you’re a guy to whom any of this is familiar, do yourself a favor and take a powder. Even if you and she have a child together, it’s not going to do the little one any good to grow up watching you be a physical, mental or emotional whipping post; and it sure won’t help him or her if one day you just snap, strike back, and wind up being hauled off to jail. Just leave.

You will have, under the law, a reasonable right of access to your child. Now, no doubt since she can’t get at you firsthand, this woman will jerk you around by monkeying with your right to access. Keep a record of this and other behavior in a notebook. Bide your time, and sooner or later she’s likely to do something so off the wall you get custody.

If she doesn’t, well, who said life is fair? Bottom line, you’re out of the relationship that was destroying you, and as much as it hurts to not be there for your kid every day, it beats not being there for him or her at all.

Whatever you do, once you get out don’t go back. It’s what counselors and other people with common sense tell women all the time. When you escape your abuser, stay escaped. No matter how much they swear to do better, they won’t. Besides, they shouldn’t have been abusive in the first place.

It’s the same thing here, only different. Odds are you are not in fear for your life. That doesn’t mean you want to go back to being miserable. She can show up at your door in a see-through nightie under her coat and words of undying love on her lips. Think with the right head and shut the door in her face. If she really wants the relationship to work, she’ll go for counseling. Frankly, you should yourself, but it’s just not that easy to find support groups for abused men.

None of this is said to pick on women or to present men as martyrs. It’s just another ugly aspect of domestic abuse that has to be faced if we’re going to be honest about the problem.

Related Articles

Minority Women More Likely Victims of Domestic Violence

U Visa Gives Immigrant Women Victims A New Chance

Page 1 of 1




Just Posted

NAM Coverage

Civil Liberties

Why There Are Words

Aug 10, 2011