New Generation Navigates Interracial Marriage
Nha Magazine, Commentary, Paulette Chu Miniter , Posted: May 23, 2007
When my mother first learned that I was dating my now husband, her reaction wasn’t the stereotypical hand-wringing of an Asian mother envisioning a white son-in-law. Instead, she was beaming. “Yeah, a lot of American nowadays like Vietnamese, they are interest in our culture,” she boasted.
In truth, I often have to be reminded that my husband and I are an “interracial” couple. And to me, that’s a testament to just how far both America and the Vietnamese community here has really come.
Only 40 years ago, anti-miscegenation laws could have forbidden our union. It wasn’t until 1967 that the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the last of these decrees that made mixed marriages illegal in 16 states. Culturally, too, just dating someone of another race was a social taboo.
But today, not only is it legal to be in a mixed relationship, but to some degree it’s expected—especially among younger generations. More than one-fifth of all Americans have a close relative married to someone of another race, and 91 percent of Generation Y-ers say interracial dating is perfectly normal, according to a study by the Pew Research Center in March 2006. By far the most common interracial marriage in America today is one like that of my own—a white husband married to an Asian wife, making up 14 percent of all mixed unions. Interestingly, in 75 percent of Asian-white marriages, the husband is white.
Just about every Asian woman my age I know is dating or married to a white guy. And no matter how different their personalities or backgrounds, they all say the same thing—nothing against Vietnamese guys, but culturally they feel very American and therefore naturally end up dating “American” men, ie, Caucasians. “I have never dated an Asian guy, and will probably never date an Asian guy,” says my cousin Michelle Phi, a student at Texas A&M University who has been with her current boyfriend, who is white, for more than three years and says there haven’t been “any real cultural issues that have come up.”
“I’m a very Americanized Asian girl who needs a very Americanized male,” Phi says. Also, “I fear the potential acquisition of another Asian family.”
Another Vietnamese woman I know, a marketing professional in her early 30s, echoed those thoughts: “I think it is an issue of cultural assimilation. Overall, I have found Asian men too ‘Eastern’ in their thinking about women.”
Ouch.
o be sure, our wonderful, well-meaning Vietnamese fathers have no doubt played some part in forming these attitudes. After all, what are the models that today’s generation of young Vietnamese Americans have for marriages other than our own parents? And what are the messages we were sent?
In 2001, researchers from UCLA and Tulane University published an interesting study that looked at “family pressure” on the daughters of Vietnamese refugees. In the study, most of the Vietnamese fathers who were interviewed considered “obedience” to be the most important quality of daughters. Tellingly, Vietnamese mothers desired independence for their girls. One mother was quoted as saying that if her daughter didn’t have a good professional career before getting married, then “the husband can go off with other woman and do what he like.” But if her daughter made her own money and wasn’t financially dependent on her husband then “she no have to put up with anything husband do and he have to be good.”
Teenage Vietnamese boys held strikingly similar ideas as their fathers. One told a researcher, “I guess I want a girlfriend who is very American but a wife who is very Vietnamese.” Adolescent Vietnamese girls in the study, however, were clearly looking to break free from the traditional roles their fathers had tried to instill. One girl in the study said of her parents, “They don’t understand about life here. They want us to do everything the way they did things in Viet Nam. And it isn’t the same.”
Although the perceptions some young Vietnamese women have of their male counterparts might not be wholly fair, it certainly drives dating habits. Vivian Chu (no relation), who lives in the Baltimore area and whose boyfriend is Jewish, says many of her Asian-American guy friends pick on her for always dating white men. But in her mind, their reaction is just more proof that Asian guys are culturally “more Asian” than she is. “I know it angers my Asian-American guy friends that so many Asian women go out with white guys, and they think it’s really unfair,” she says. “It’s a sore subject with them and I sympathize, but it doesn’t change the way I feel.”
Even so, no matter how American we feel, and that we feel mostly American, we were still raised by Vietnamese parents in an at least partially Vietnamese way. When I first became engaged to my husband, my parents had their own stereotypes about white men. My father, who tends to be on the grumpy side, seemed genuinely relieved. “He look clean-cut,” my dad said with begrudging approval of my fianceù. “He not drinking beer, smoking and rock n’roll all the time.”
There were certain rules I had to warn my husband about, the most important one being that he must never under any circumstances call my father by his first name. My dad was only to be called “Mr. Chu.” (That rule has now relaxed some, and my husband can call him “Dad,” too.)
There was also some mild griping about our wedding plans. For one, my husband is Catholic and my parents are Buddhist. My father spent months asking me whether I was converting. My parents, who live in Texas, also had imagined a wedding more similar to those of their friends’ children: I would wear the long-sleeved red ao dai and we’d have a reception at a Vietnamese restaurant in Dallas and there would be red envelopes, karaoke singing and dancing to Elvis Phuong. I remember telling my mom that I planned to wear a traditional American white dress for both the wedding ceremony and reception. She was thoroughly scandalized: “Are you Vietnamese or American?” she asked me, close to tears.
Most surprising was my parents’ worry that my fiances family wouldn’t accept a Vietnamese girl into their family. It was a rare moment that made me remember that we are indeed an “interracial” couple. Though I tried to assure my parents that my fianceù’s family couldn’t be happier with me, they had experienced enough racism in their early days in America to remain skeptical. Because my husband’s family lives in New York, our families didn’t meet until the Big Day.
Luckily, there was no big cultural collision. We had a Catholic priest and a Buddhist monk officiate. I designed my own version of the red ao dai and wore it to our rehearsal dinner the night before. (My mother liked my halter-style ao dai so much that she had one made for herself.) At the reception, held at an old resort in upstate New York, our parents spontaneously ended up dancing with each other and any fears my mom and dad had were easily dispelled.
Of course, our marriage is young and other issues are bound to come up as they are in any relationship. There have already been a few touch and go moments, such as when my sister concocted an “Alien Christmas” last year in which she convinced all my aunts, uncles and even 75-year-old grandmother to dress up for the holiday as extraterrestrials with the theme from “The X-Files” playing in the background. My husband seemed a bit worried. Still, this has less to do with us being an interracial couple, and more with the general nuttiness of my relatives.
Meanwhile, my mom is already looking forward to grandchildren. She has even taken to giving me the closest thing to advice about sex that I’m sure I’ll ever hear. “Make sure you eat properly, cook chicken, fish, beef,” she routinely advises me in our weekly phone conversations, knowing that I largely refuse to eat red meat. “You cannot be feeding the man chicken and fish all the time,” she says. “You know the American man like to eat beef. And you got to eat beef too, girl, otherwise how can you be fertile!”
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User Comments
Kyle on Jun 26, 2007 at 00:12:47 said:
I read Paulette Miniter’s article with nothing but laughter! First of all, these white men are not interested in Viet culture; they are just losers who have been rejected and unwanted by their own white females so they have to settle for the fourth best fix to American culture (Asian females – with the first preference being white females, then Latina females and then Blacks). I mean just look around and you see these interracial couples are mostly desperate Asian females dating old divorced grandfather-like white men whom even white females don’t want to touch. And the rest are either to unattractive or “nerdy” for white females to accept. Couldn’t these desperate Asian girls get better guys, or maybe these white guys already have their better choices of the first preference and want nothing of these Asians?
Reading further I sense that the author is somewhat annoyed by some Viet guys wanting nice Viet wives. What is wrong with being loyal to and strengthening your race? Okay, so what does she think of some of my Viet male friends who are either dating or being married to white American, French, Australian, Swiss, Polish and Russian ladies? Maybe she feels much better?
Give it up, being married to your own race is by far the most superior way which results in much less divorces and headaches. I know since I am a successful businessman who have met tens of thousands of people from all races and have seen how easily “bored” and “easy-to-go” white American men are of their wives and leave them heartbroken and scarred for life. I give Paulette ten years max before she is back in the market as “used” and emotionally scarred. Again, I laugh with pity.
L. Do
exholt on Jun 25, 2007 at 19:54:48 said:
After reading the article and comments, I am reminded of one remark I heard as a child from a Latino-American friend: "There is no one more contemptable than a person who has no pride in who they are." Couldn't have said it better myself.
Bao Truong on Jun 25, 2007 at 12:27:49 said:
A good friend of mine married a Caucasian guy who is a lawyer and makes a lot of money. Even with that, he has his own bank account where he keeps all his money. He makes her go to work as a bank teller so she can pay for half of the mortgage and her own spending money.
About three years ago, she had a complication with her first preganancy and had to go through an operation. After arriving home from the hospital, my wife and I went over to help her out by cooking dinner for them. When the food was ready, the "White husban" sat himself at the dinner table and asked his "Vietnamese" wife who just had an operation and was in pain, to get him a drink. When I heard that from him, I almost took my bowl of "bun rieu" and dump it on his face. After a couple years of marrying her husband, she wished she never did.
This is not to say white men are bad. As with any culture, there are good men and there are some bad men. However, for those Vietnamese women who want to marry a white husband because they think Asian men are old fashion, that is fine. But with all the non-traditional ways of life, comes lot of divorces and single mothers.
The reason so many white men are interested in Asian culture is because of our culture.
Chen D. on Jun 21, 2007 at 19:10:31 said:
I feel that white men and Asian women belong together because they both have so much of what the other wants. Starting with the exotic, that in itself is a huge attraction. I see nothing wrong with this article.
knight on Jun 18, 2007 at 12:42:02 said:
Hey Jo,
So to follow your train of reasoning, Asian women are basically more sexist than other women. As a matter of fact, they are more willing to be pampered and objectified, instead of being treated as equal. After the feminist movements decades early, what can caucasian men do but to date the last vestige of sexism. It is sad that asian women remains living in the past, and blame their male counterpart for being "old fashioned."
Urb on Jun 12, 2007 at 08:54:25 said:
I would also like to point out that Asian women that have this mentality also fear that they won't be able to control their husbands if they're Asian.
This is why many of them seek out white men becaues they know they have lots of control over them which they could never have over Asian husbands.
If you look around, 90% of these AF/WM couples, the female is the boss.
Jim on Jun 12, 2007 at 08:52:40 said:
Good to see that it's mostly Asian men defending themselves rather than having some Asian women defending the men.
Some things never change. As for Jo, while you base your opinions on experiences, I find it hardly fair to lump everyone into that same catagory.
Asian women are pretty much dimissing all Asian men just because of some bad apples. Would white men get angry if they were all stereotyped to be child molestors even though most of them happen to be white men?
Amy Tam on Jun 03, 2007 at 07:03:37 said:
I don\'t understand how she argues that Asian American women can become \"Americanized\" but Asian American men cannot, Inherently clingling to \"Eastern thinking\", it is very sad to find Asian sisters buying into the perpetual foreigner myth. What makes you so special that you can assimilate quickly but Asian American men cannot?
Not that assimilating is even a good thing. I consider myself Americanized, but I also consider my husband, Americanized as well. He is nothing like the stereotypical chauvenist Asian man as painted in this article with antiquated sexist cultural ideals. Infact he is more modern than many American white men who marry Asian women, As an Asian American himself he has no stereotypes of me as an exotic submissive lotus blossom, but as his wife and equal.
Also the author\'s idea that interracial marriage was forbidden between white men and Asian women she is wrong, it was against minority men and white women. Where I live, there was an exclusion act against the Chinese in 1906, but in the act it specified Chinese women were allowed in if they were the wives of white men, immigrant or local and the statute showed that the Asian woman would lose her Chinese status but become the nationality of their husbands. So Asian Women were allowed to marry white men in North America for a long time, but they were considered as property, and sadly even today many times these wives still are.
Mikey on Jun 02, 2007 at 17:12:56 said:
jo,
your assumptions that "all Asian (mainly vietnamese) males" in america are "insecure" and "selfish" are true to an extent. however, aren't those traits that guys will have regardless of race.
i grew up in a very diverse area and i have seen my share of the "insecure" and "selfish" guys that you described. however, these individuals came from all ethnic backgrounds.
let's be real here, guys will be sexist because they are guys... not because they're "asians" or "blacks" or "whites." being sexist is a result of having a certain Y chromosome, not because of certain skin pigment people have.
i don't doubt your assumptions are derived from experience. i have seen vietnamese guys who personify the exact same triats that you described but why the thick/ broad brush labeling. isn't that just a TAD bit extreme?
as you notice, i critiqued your response in a relatively benign manner. however, i can't gurantee the same for other posters so be prepare if others decide to contribute.
Jo Bern on Jun 01, 2007 at 13:16:58 said:
I am a white guy, and have been married to my wife for three years now. She is from Vinh Long, Vietnam, and I love her more then life, even wit the arguments about how bad nuoc mam smells.
Her younger sister will only date white guys, and with her marrying a white guy, it has caused her 6 brothers and their friends to be very crititcal. Why? I will tell you my opinion, and its based on experience.
Vietnamese men are too selfish. They put themselves first, especially the younger guys. They like their sporty cars, bleached hair, cool sun glasses, and drinking coffee at the kareoke bar, and beer with their friends. Then the girl comes into play. We all know women, regardless of their race like to be treated special, and put first.
To get my wife to go out with me, I had to fight with all of her brothers friends who wanted her. It took two years to get a date with her. I took flowers every week, helped with her homework, helped her parents with things, and always put her first. She is special and deserves to be treated special, not like her older sister who married a Vietnamese guy.
He drinked with his friends, brough fish home for her to clean while he drinked, never helped with their new born baby, and was "IN Control." Even told me not to be afraid of my wife, when she would stop me from betting horses or playing basketball. Well, im still married, and her sister left him.
It has to do with respecting women, and treating them equal, and special. All of my wifes brothers have gone back to Vietnam to marry---Why? They say they want a traditional vietnamese girl that does not know as much as the vietnamese girls in America. Wait a minute, if you are a man, like the Vietnamese guys I know pride themselves on being, then why do you need to go marry a girl 10,000 miles away, bring them over here where they have no family, speak no english, and are dependant on everything you do? Because the vietnamese men I know are full-of crap and are very insecure.
So there you have it--Insecure, and selfish, are the top reasons Asian women wont marry with an asian guy in America.
John Phan on May 29, 2007 at 20:44:04 said:
There is a difference between a man who’s sexist -and- stereotyping all Asian men and being perceived as such.
The woman who wrote this is obviously stereotyping Asian men and for one to use that as an excuse to defend the large interracial dating ratio is beyond sick. I’d thought people were able to recognize the difference. Guess Asians aren't all that smart after all.
Nowhere in this article does she say she had firsthand experience. What’s equally troubling is the fact that she associates whites with being American and since she’s “Americanized,” she wants to find an American. It’s as if there is no possibility of Asian men born in the US who can be Americans and harbor American traits. Lastly, she uses every single type of criticism of her racial dating preferences by pointing her finger as Asian men being the culprit.
If we let her drone on any longer, she would have blamed global warming on Asian men as well. One fact I have to acknowledge is that these types of Asian women view Asian men exactly how whites would. That’s a good indicator that their beliefs are rooted in anti-Asian racism.
The Asian American community is filled with a bunch of self-hating basketcases.
The Truth on May 26, 2007 at 09:27:51 said:
This is the most hilarious article I\'ve ever read.
Asian women marry white men because:
1. They\'re taught by Hollywood to believe Asian men are asexual, nerdy, uncool misfits unfit for sexual mating. It has NOTHING to do with so called \"Eastern\" attitudes. It has EVERYTHING to do with these women having severe ethnic and racial shame towards their own men.
2. They\'re taught by Hollywood that white men (and now increasingly, black men due to the glorification of black males in the guise of \"political correctness\" and fueled by white guilt) are sexy, cool, and a way to \"marry up\" in American society.
A significant number of these Asian women are also ugly, and rejected as inferior according to strict Asian beauty standards. Thus, they reject that which rejects them.
Finally, if you don\'t believe what I say, just travel to some countries Europe where Asian men suddenly go from undateable nerds to exotic, mysterious and sexual and go on to date all kinds of white European women.
It\'s all cultural and relative.
RWJ on May 25, 2007 at 11:06:30 said:
Let's cut to the obvious. Men marry beauty. Women marry power. Asian women are the most beautiful on the planet. White men are the most powerful. A match made in heaven.
S.Lee on May 24, 2007 at 20:31:51 said:
What is the big deal. If you are asian female and want to marry white men go ahead but do not try to explain or rationalise your acts. It should just be for love and that should be the only reason ... all the jazz about too eastern is lame because a white man can be eastern thinking too, just as asian men can be western thinking ... maybe it is for other reasons ... perceived power or privilege because if you marry for love there is no need to explain ... do not forget asian population in America is less than 5% ... white population is about 65% ... so it is natural more will marry white men ... as for why there are less asian males marying white females .... it is because asian males are not \"hunters\" by nature ... those asian males who are \"hunters\" generally end up marrying white females ... so let us not complicate matters of the heart by injecting in faux freudian theories
Andy Nguyen on May 24, 2007 at 18:13:20 said:
This begs the question of if interracial dating is so expected in the American Melting Pot, why do the black and Hispanic communities have such low rates of interracial dating?
Interracial dating and marriage is only expected from one group, white men. The reason why this is accepted is because it doesn\'t make the white male demographic feel as if they\'re \"losing\" something, in this case, a potential spouse.
I want to see what would happen and how tolerant white society would be if white men felt threatened by minorities dating \"their\" women. Hell, white men are already paranoid that many white women are married to black men.
I\'ve never understood why Asian American continue to ignore this subject because it\'s eventually going to blow up in our faces. Right now, the Asian American female\'s interracial marriage rate is close to 50%, once it gets higher in the next few years at 80%, you\'re going to have a full scale riot on your hands.
Currently, the Asian population is sustained by immigration. Once the US halts immigration from Asia, coupled with the interracial dating rate of Asian women, it\'s prodicted the Asian American community will be wiped out in as little as 7 decades.
Enjoy!
Sally Xue on May 24, 2007 at 17:39:58 said:
“..today, not only is it legal to be in a mixed relationship, but to some degree it’s EXPECTED—especially among younger generations.” (emphasis inserted)??? Come on Paulette??? Are you putting me on??? Surely you’re putting me on. It just isn’t true. In fact the trend is just the REVERSE
New American Sociological Review study shows increase in Hispanic and Asian intra-ethnic marriages
The findings, published in "Social Boundaries and Marital Assimilation: Interpreting Trends in Racial and Ethnic Intermarriage," suggest that the growing number of Hispanic and Asian immigrants to the United States has led to more marriages within these groups, and fewer marriages between members of these groups and whites. The study suggests Hispanic and Asian immigrants are likely to marry among themselves. In addition, more native-born minorities are selecting marriage partners from the growing pool of immigrants. "These declines in intermarriages are a significant departure from past trends," said Zhenchao Qian, co-author of the study and professor of sociology at Ohio State University. "The decline reflects the growth in the immigrant population during the 90s; more native-born Asian Americans and Hispanics are marrying their foreign-born counterparts." Qian conducted the study with Daniel Lichter, a professor at Cornell University. Their results appear in the February 2007 issue of the American Sociological Review, published by the 101-year-old American Sociological Association. Qian says, “For U.S. born Asians, there were small increases in intermarriage between Asian women and white men, but small declines in intermarriage between Asian men and white women. The decline was pretty significant among foreign born Asians. The study, however, did not break down by Asian ethnicity.”
I am Chinese, female, from Shanghai, recently arrived (5 years) for graduate studies previously, and working now in the US. I am a Gen Y. I RESENT. I COMPLETELY RESENT YOUR IMPOSING OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON ME. I am PROUD to be Chinese and ASIAN.
I find your piece a truly PATHETIC piece. I do not know how you could properly look your FATHER in the face. For heaven’s sake, has it crossed you mind he is an ASIAN MAN??? Did your father not care for you, sacrifice for you??? How about your brothers??? How could you properly face them??? And here you are blathering about Asians.
Professor Qian notes, “For U.S. born Asians, there were small increases in intermarriage between Asian women and white men, but small declines in intermarriage between Asian men and white women. The decline was pretty significant among foreign born Asians.”
I personally find his remarks very revealing. As I had noted earlier, I arrived from Shanghai 5 years ago. I came from a Shanghai and China in the throes of great development. I am proud of my country. I do notice that American-born Asians tend to lack pride in what they are. In the course of my studies I come across literature on US mainstream media prejudice against Asians and White stereotyping and demeaning of Asians. I laugh this off personally, as sheer ignorance. Perhaps, such propaganda does seep into American-born Asians; unlike foreign born Asians who actually know the truth about Asia. This perhaps explains Professor Qian’s above remarks. US born Asians had been thoroughly propagandised about White superiority and Asian inferiority. Foreign born Asians are immune to such propaganda; they have been vaccinated by the TRUTH of Asia.
In fact many studies, including those by J. Philippe Rushton, Professor of Psychology at the University of Western Ontario indicate the superiority of East Asian intelligence, marital stability, social organisation, and temperament. (If you want to find out more about these just google JP Rushton.)
Carolyn Tran on May 24, 2007 at 14:53:00 said:
I agree 100% with Ky-Phong Tran. I am a Vietnamese woman and it makes me really sad and disappointed to read this article. So many of our Asian sisters (and brothers) think the ultimate acceptance in America is to date/marry a white person. Wrong!
The question to ask, I believe, is why is there such a strong pattern of interracial dating within the Asian community? Nothing against dating outside of your ethnic group, but if 75% of interracial coupling is with white males & asian women, why is this so common?
The excuse that Asian men are too "eastern" in their thinking or too strict is really one-sided and racist. We rationalize what we feel is right in our heads, even if it's not logical. Yes, Asian men may have certain ideas of Asian women, but isn't that all men? Especially white men who orientalize or exoticize Asian women? Don't they too have "western" ideas of Asian women? To say that all Asian men personalities push Asian women away is simplistic and illogical.
Simply, I say, is that whiteness equates to privilege, power and money in this society. Look who runs the country and establishes the laws. I think that upward economic mobility is a main reason why so many Asian women date white men. Perhaps if Vietnamese women were dating men of all races and class, then we can fully celebrate interracial dating. But until then, please do not write such ignorant and disappointing articles Paulette Chu Minister.
Sidney Tran on May 24, 2007 at 12:37:43 said:
Cool! The more the merrier! It means Asian Americans are being accepted by the mainstream culture of society. I've never dated an Asian American girl so I think I know how those women in the article feel.
West Coast Movement on May 24, 2007 at 09:23:45 said:
You are probably ignorant of the real facts, but Asian MEN weren't allowed to marry WHITE FEMALES until 1967. The anti miscegenation laws prohibited Asian males from marrying white females, while it was perfectly okay for white males to marry asian females.
Please get your facts straight. It is embarassing for you to spout such nonsense and "share" in a struggle that you are not a part of.
Ky-Phong Tran on May 23, 2007 at 22:42:09 said:
I believe that everyone has the right to date and love whoever they choose. At the same time, I found the argument about Vietnamese American men illogical and simplistic. If we all live here now, and begin to adapt to "American" standards, how come it is only Vietnamese women wh become "American" and not the men. To ignore the statistic that 75% of the Asian-White marriages are between Asian women and white men is to ignore the fact that whiteness and white males are priveleged in this country, and that Asian women are idealized. If not, the ration would be closer to 50%, right?
-->Are these couples in love? I have no doubt. But there is a context that is being ignored, the proverbial Asian/Oriental elephant in the room.