Hmong Marriage: Is My Future Mine to Command?
New America Media, Commentary, Yee Leng Vang Posted: Apr 10, 2010
I was on the phone, talking to my girlfriend Sheng. She was sharing her dreams of the future with me, about marriage. Sheng was talking about us having kids and how cute they will be. I teased her, “They won’t. I won’t be with you later on.” She sighed and said I was being mean. I laughed. Still, in my mind, I could only see dark clouds.
Sheng and I are young. I’m only sixteen years old, but I’ve been thinking lately about marriage. Some people might say, well marriage is just marriage and it won’t be that hard to do, but I’m Hmong, and that creates many challenges for me.
First being Hmong means that getting married requires a lot more preparation and a lot of money. Hmong traditions are complicated and I still don’t understand everything, especially the bride price. It’s what the groom pays the wife’s family, more of a gift to thank them for raising the wife. Identifying an amount requires negotiations from both families, and it can range between five and ten thousand dollars. The price can also depend on the wife’s educational level and whether or not she was an obedient daughter, which can bring the price up. The good thing is that when paying a bride price, the groom’s family can ask extended family to help pitch in. Or most Hmong guys just save up their own money.
If I plan to get married right now, it would be difficult to get the money for the bride price because I simply don’t have it. I have too much pride to borrow from family so I will probably just work hard and save my money.
I believe these marriage traditions and values exist because back then, in the old country, this was how they did it. I hope these values don’t disappear, no matter how disapproving I feel, because it’s still a part of who I am. But I don’t think the younger generation will continue the traditions because they are so complicated. Many of them can hardly speak the language. It will be hard to uphold these traditions, and that goes for me as well.
Second, getting married depends on the approval of the elders. In the community, a lot of elders know each other. Even if you are not related to each other, people still know each other.
If your family has a good reputation, then your family has to live up to that name and the sons in the family have to find wives who also have good family reputations. To uphold a good reputation, the children have to be educated and know the traditional cultural practices, such as how to do ceremonies, how to speak Hmong, and not be lazy.
But if you or your family is on a black list, it can be difficult for you to date a girl from a good family.
I know other cultures may have these same rules too, but it seems like they are so much more emphasized in the Hmong community.
If your parents did something wrong, you would have to prove to others that you won’t turn out the same way. Many Hmong elders judge you by how your parents behave. The same goes in the reverse. If you did something wrong, like committing crimes or doing drugs, your parents would be at fault and they would be viewed as bad people because they didn’t raise you right. That means you can ruin your family name.
When it comes to dating, a lot of Hmong parents have similar questions, “Do you really think she is pretty? Look at her hair, it’s like she is a gangster,” Or “Look at the way he is dressed,” or “Who are her parents?” There are plenty of things they will say and many of them are ridiculous. These comments are usually followed by, “No, you cannot date that person!”
Since a lot of parents and elders know one another, they can ask around and find out quickly about a person’s family background, and then they decide whether you can date that person or not.
One of the funniest reasons I’ve ever heard for not dating someone was a story I heard from a friend. This one boy asked his dad if he could date this girl. The dad asked for her parents’ names. Then, when he found out their name, the boy’s father said, “No way! Long ago [back in our homeland], their great-grandfather snuck into your great-grandfather’s farm and stole many of his chickens and his prized cow. They are very bad people!”
I think my family has a decent reputation. We don’t have a lot of family issues with others and we keep to ourselves. We don’t put ourselves out there to get a bad name. I remember we only had one major problem with another family but we resolved that problem with a marriage between my sister and one of their sons.
It wasn’t a forced marriage because they fell in love. It did create controversy at first because my dad hated their family, but my sister and the guy were in love. My parents did not want to interfere and so they allowed the marriage. They are loving parents, but they are strict.
I’m not so sure about my own situation. I’ve been with Sheng for about two years. We have our good times and our bad, but no matter what, we’re always there for each other. It hurts me to think that things might not work out for us in the future, even though right now, we have a pretty serious relationship. Sheng wants to get married some day. I feel very uncertain. I’m afraid I won’t be able to marry her because of strict family rules and of course money.
Plus, I don’t know what my father will think, if he will allow it.
I feel like my father’s opinion always has ruled over my own happiness. He will decide if I can get married or not. I am the youngest son in the family, which means I also bear the cultural responsibility of taking care of my parents, as they get older. I want to be happy, but I want them to be happy as well.
Sometimes I feel like I should just run away but I don’t want my parents to feel like I’ve run out on them. Also, I want my Hmong culture to be preserved in America. I won’t give it up, even if there are some things that frustrate me. But in the end, I know I will have to make some hard decisions and some tough sacrifices in order to be with Sheng.
Yee Leng Vang writes for The Know Youth Media, Fresno, a project of New America Media.
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User Comments
Vue on Apr 26, 2010 at 21:30:37 said:
Yee Leng:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns to us. I know how hard it must be to think of marriage at a young age. As a Hmong myself, I can understand your thoughts and concerns. I just wish I had listened to my father before I got married. We will always treasure our culture and tradition. I don't agree on the price either and I'm a hmong guy. I have seen hmong men used the price money as a leverage to abuse their wives and make the wives a slave. I don't believe in abuse and I really wish that when I have a chance I want to help hmong men that abuse is not the answer. I hope that you and your girlfriend will wait until you are ready and older before you tie the knot. I got married when I was 19 and 14 years later got divorced. Please be wise about marriage because it is not a game or fantasy. It is reality.
GIC on Apr 25, 2010 at 16:29:52 said:
You are way too young to think about marriage and kids! Typical Hmong teens thinking. Dumb and stupid!! Give three more years and give back on me if you still feel the same also if you two are still together. I doubt it especially you two are thinking about marriage now. Look at your friends and families? Reality CHECK!!
GIC
xaisxyooj on Apr 23, 2010 at 09:47:38 said:
Sixteen is too young to even be thinking about marriage. Wipe the thought from your mind! Live your teenage life; enjoy high school. Do well so you can attend a great university. Your girlfriend should be thinking about the same thing, not marriage and future children together. Marriage is a passage to adulthood and all the responsibilities that come with it. Do not rush into this next stage. Yee Leng, enjoy the innocence of youth for many years to come.
I also want to tell you that you shouldn't be so concerned about the cost of your wedding. That is your father's responsibility. If you have some saved money, I'm sure your father would be grateful for your help. If not, he cannot hold this over you. For Hmong people, you can fail at everything for your children but your most important priority is to get your sons married. If it requires begging or borrowing, it is your father's task to find the necessary funds.
Worry less. Be happy more. Being Hmong is not bad at all because good families have good support systems for major life events such as marriages, illnesses, funerals, etc. Your family will be there for you when the time comes. For now, your goal is to excel in school. Aim high so you can provide for Sheng and your cute kids when the time is right for marriage. This next phase of your life will wait for you.
fong vang on Apr 13, 2010 at 23:44:36 said:
bride price? that is a translation issue. You don't literary translate it word for word. That would make it sound so barbaric. I for one have never heard my parents or people at my wedding say "how much did you bride cost or how much did your daughter in law cost" They always say how much did your wedding cost? how much is your sons wedding. when hmong say use these kind of words, i don't mean you Yee Leng,one, they are uneducated, two they are poor, three, they are ignorant of their own cultures and beliefs. the price of the wedding is just that the price of the wedding, but it's really to show the brides parent that you are capable of providing for her and that your parents are responsible and respected people. If they can save money and willing to part with it, than they are willing to accept a stranger into their family and to teach her and him the bonds of marriage and family life. Like everything in life, it's the 10 percent that scares everyone and cause all bad things to happen. but you never hear anything good from the good 90 percent.I would never consider the wedding price to be a gift, a price, a token, a dowry, etc. to me it's more of a promise of devotion, honesty, fidelity towards your bride.
mai der on Apr 13, 2010 at 22:53:57 said:
This is a message for Lou. Just to clarify, I don't think the author meant to imply the statement is true.
Obviously the amounts will vary from case to case, which is the reason he uses the word "can" in the sentence: "The price CAN also depend..." I don't think he's saying that it applies to EVERYONE. Hope that helps and makes sense.
Lou on Apr 13, 2010 at 11:26:50 said:
This is an untrue statment
"The price can also depend on the wife’s educational level and whether or not she was an obedient daughter, which can bring the price up."
This article is only base on the writer knowledge, some of them are not necessary to me true base on Hmomg culture.
choua on Apr 12, 2010 at 09:02:03 said:
Yee Leng, thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are way too young to even think about marriage. You are not ready. You should explore the world before making such big decisions. Getting marry and having children are permanent decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life. Finish college, get a job, and then get marry. This is the normal route. Less headache for you. Don't worry about what other elders think of you or your girlfriend. What you need to worry is who you are and what dreams you have instore for you to make a better living for yourself. The elders just want you to be a good man. A good man means, have a good career+loving wife+loves your parents/relatives+have happy children. There are many hmong couples who got married when they were young and now they are in their 30's but not happy because they found out that they are not compatible with one another. This is the mistake they make when they were young. Everything is not perfect but there are things that are within your control. Good luck to you.
TCVang on Apr 12, 2010 at 08:34:57 said:
Why does everyone talk about the bride price but never about the dowry? When I got married, my wife and I didn't want a bride price either, but both our families were to respectable to flout such a tradition so we paid the bride price. It didn't matter anyhow since my wife's dowry was far bigger than the bride price. The bride price was also returned to us slowly over time by my wife's parents, although no one would publicly admit such a thing. So we ended up with two pots of money to help us start our new life together.
As for borrowing, you're not. It is your relatives pitching in to help you out. It's amazing how a few dollars here and there really add up. If your ego is too big for this kind of help then you need to rethink your stance on hmong tradition. Family comming together to help out during major events is what being Hmong is all about.
sharny on Apr 10, 2010 at 18:33:47 said:
Yee Leng, thank you for writing this column. I would like to say a few words about Hmong Cultural Marriage. Reading from your story seems like you liked and respected over-all and I praise you for that. Being a person who knows who s/he is, really matters in the whole world. If you start to borrow from others you will no longer be yourself. I am proud of being Hmong. Be patient to yourself...once you understand the whys, what, and when you will so much appreciate being who you are. Alot of time youngsters who do not understand think it\'s a dumb thing--ignorant.
Lastly, I want to share to EVERYONE that when you write to the MEDIA...PLEASE, PLEASE, STOP USING THE \"BRIDE PRICE\" or \"PRICE\" word for the exchange. That is the wrong word to use. It paints a bad picture of what the true meaning is about. I recommend use the word \"TOKEN\". It gives a closer meaning to our tradition. I see others use \'dowry\' which is not correct. People like India use the dowry word which is correct for their practice, not the Hmong.
Thank you for listening.
lisceeb on Apr 10, 2010 at 11:39:27 said:
Wow 16 and thinking about marriage already? When I was your age, I thought I was going to be a doctor. The bride price is a good thing. If you can't afford it, it means you are not ready for marriage. So, don't marry yet.
Thao on Apr 09, 2010 at 12:53:18 said:
Yee Leng,Thank you for sharing your perspective on this. Being Hmong myself, I believe that we can find ways to keep what is good about "traditional cultural practices" and to change those things that cause harm. I am a Hmong woman, and I don't believe in the bride price - not because I don't value all that my parents have done for me, but in many cases of abuse against women, I often hear men say they have a right to hit their wives because they paid for them. While it is true that there is an exchange of money I want to also share that I recently had a Hmong and American wedding and the American wedding cost me $30K, much more than our Hmong ceremony ($5K for meal and monetary gifts to family and relatives but did not include a bride price, which could have been $5K-$10K as you mentioned). We talked with my parents about the Hmong ceremony and shared our feelings about portions of the ceremony that we felt were no longer relevant (such as, all my male relatives lecturing me about life when so many of them are not such great examples themselves, and of course, we talked about the bride price and why I did not want my parents to ask for the money). My parents were concerned about my uncles, and there were heated conversations in the family about it, but at the end of the day, they respected our decision, and we had a joyous occassion. It also gave our family an opportunity to address this tension and conflict in a healthy dialogue. My oldest uncle even remarked that he felt like our wedding the best Hmong wedding he's been to, because we respected it so much and made sure both sides of our family were there to listen and participate the whole day. My recommendation is that we all do our homework so that we know what we want to change rather than assume that "culture" cannot change. In fact, culture is the only thing that seems to be ever evolving and we must all participate in making sure it is changing in ways that uphold the values that we believe in. We all have the power to do that.
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